Kid conflict is natural every relationship has conflict – it’s normal and
inevitable to disagree. However, the determining factor in the quality of the
relationship is how the fights get resolved. Conflict happens between spouses,
partners, relatives, friends, neighbors, co-workers, group members,
governments, countries and everyone else. Why would the sibling relationship be
different? You know it’s going to happen. But like many things in parenting,
it’s better to know what you are dealing with and have some planned strategies
to try.
So what are a the good ways of dealing with Conflict and which are not I fully
understand how hard it can be the other day I was babysitting two sibling when
they started hitting each other so what do you do in the case ?
Unhelpful parent strategy Ignoring the fight and punishing the children .
Unhelpful parent strategy Giving negative attention in the form of a punishment, time-out, or time
spent playing judge and jury
Unhelpful parenting strategies Group punishments, taking away toys or privileges, comparisons, and
labeling.
Why punishment it is something we all do without thinking but it doesn’t work
it will just build up resentment is the kids . but yes you have to deal with
it so how to do it
First is to stop the fighting without
shouting or you losing it yourself be cool them you need to bring down the situation finding out what happened
Helpful parent strategy Avoid punishments. Accept and acknowledge each child’s feelings and point
of view and try to help them express it to the other child. Help them come to
solutions that both agree on (help them generate the ideas rather than doing it
for them).
In addition, give each child input in family rule formation. Teach
problem-solving skills and then coach them through the process. Teach anger
management strategies and self-calming techniques later when everyone has
calmed down and the issues are resolved.
Set up routines
It’s much easier to handle disagreements about everyday things when you
have a family routine. It means that everyone just knows who sits where, who
does what chores and on what days, and who’s first in line for the video game,
trampoline or bathroom.
A sample
routine
- Television: Samantha chooses the program from 6.30-7 pm. Jake chooses from 7.30-8 pm (after Samantha has gone to bed).
- Games: Jake chooses on Saturdays, Samantha chooses on Sundays.
- Bathroom: Jake uses the bathroom first in the morning, then Samantha.
- Chores: Samantha and Jake take it in turns to do the chores – garbage duty one week, drying the dishes the next week.
Set clear family rules
Rules let children know what’s OK and what’s not. If you have family rules in
place, it’s easier for you to step in and say, ‘Remember, no fighting’, or
‘Hey, no name-calling’.
Rules should be simple. And as much as possible, try to state your rules in a positive way,
focusing on what you want your child to do, rather than what not to do. For
example, rules such as ‘We all speak nicely to one another’, ‘We look at
how to solve the problem’ and ‘We treat people and things
gently’ show what you do want. On the other hand, ‘We never hit other
people’ shows what you don’t want.
It’s a good idea to limit the number of rules too – you don’t need dozens
of them.
Three tips for making rules stick
- Involve children in setting up rules. This will help your children remember them. Even three-year-olds might be able to contribute to the discussion.
- Hang a copy of your house rules on the fridge or somewhere prominent as a reminder for the whole family.
- Follow through every time children bend or break the rules. Start with a friendly reminder – ‘Are we all speaking nicely to each other?’ Then give another chance. If children still break the rules, use an agreed consequence. This could be taking away whatever they’re fighting about for a short time.
Catch them being good
This means noticing and giving positive and encouraging feedback to your
children when they’re behaving well.
The key is to tell kids very clearly and specifically what they’re doing
well and how much it’s appreciated. When you notice and encourage good behavior,
you’re much more likely to see that behavior again.
Here are some examples of clear and specific praise and encouragement:
- ‘I really like the way you’re both taking turns.’
- ‘You’re all sharing and playing really nicely together.’
- ‘Hey, you worked out that problem really well. How about we celebrate and have a special treat.’
Try to give your children six positive comments for every negative one.
This is a good balance for guiding behavior and maintaining healthy motivation
and self-esteem.
Catching children being good + giving them positive and specific feedback =
repeat performances. You might like to read more about praise and encouragement.
You are your children’s number-one role model. Your children will notice if
you treat others pleasantly and work out differences without fighting.
But if you fly off the handle with other people, your kids are more likely
to do this too. If you want them to work things out without swearing and
yelling, it won’t help if you swear and yell. If you want them to be able to
say sorry to others – an important thing in every relationship – they need to
see you apologizing too.
Coach your children
You are your children’s problem-solving coach. You prep them on how to
handle disagreements and guide them as they work things out. This is better
than being a referee who breaks up fights or steps in when they’re brewing.
Think of coaching as constantly steering kids towards the skills and
understanding they need to find non-fighting ways to work things out. For
example, you might say, ‘Girls, you need to share the toy. Who’s going to have
the first turn?’
Tips on coaching
- Give your children opportunities to play with others. For example, playgroups, play dates and games help children learn to play well together and practice positive alternatives to fighting.
- Step in with ideas as soon as you see that children are finding it difficult to work things out. For example, ‘Remember to share’, or ‘Can you boys think of a way that you can both have a turn?’
- Debrief to prevent repeats. With older kids, working out a solution together afterwards will make the fight less likely to happen again. Wait until things have cooled down, and sort it out together. Ignore the issue of blame. For example, ‘How could you have handled it so that both of you got to use the computer?’
When you can see that children
are feeling upset, help them find ways to express their feelings.
Encouraging them to use words – not fists and feet – is important. For younger
children, you can also look for play activities that help
