Before we begin we are not going to talk about what is
wrong and right. This is up to you
So first let me give you an idea what discipline is
What Is
Discipline?
Discipline is the process of teaching your child what
type of behavior is acceptable and what type is not acceptable. In other words,
discipline teaches a child to follow rules.
How
you deal with discipline will come with what kind of parent you are The
American Mental Health Association describes three styles of parenting:
An authoritative parent has
clear expectations and consequences and is affectionate toward his or her
child. The authoritative parent allows for flexibility and collaborative
problem solving with the child when dealing with behavioral challenges. This is
the most effective form of parenting.
An authoritarian parent has
clear expectations and consequences, but shows little affection toward his or
her child. The parent may say things like, "because I'm the Mommy, that's
why." This is a less effective form of parenting.
A permissive parent shows
lots of affection toward his or her child but provides little discipline. This
is a less effective form of parenting.
Understand
the meaning behind the behavior.
On the
whole children want to behave well So ask
yourself why : is your child hitting her sibling it might be a desperate bid for your
attention Maybe you stayed on the phone too long or ignored her
as you rushed to get dinner on the table. It might be that the sibling is
taking the older one toy, it is important to get an understanding of what
happening before you act .Naomi Aldort, the author of "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves,"
says that if they seem to miss the mark, it's not without a valid reason.
"The most important thing is to
realize that whatever a child does, we may label as bad, but really the child
is doing the best he can. It's our job
as parents to find out why he is doing it," says Aldort. "Once we
know the valid root of the behavior, we can
easily remove the cause or heal the emotions, and the child won't be
driven to behave in that way anymore."
Here are some principle
which might help this principle come from to Katharine C. Kersey, University
Professor of early childhood education and chair of the Department of Early
Childhood, Speech-Language Pathology and Special Education. The author of
several books, including The Art
of Sensitive Parenting, Helping Your Child Handle Stress and Don’t Take
It out on Your Kids, and co-author of The First Year Teacher, Kersey is a long-time opponent of spanking and other
forms of corporal punishment. She believes that parents would like to find
better ways to teach children cooperation but don’t know what to do, so they
resort to spanking. Kersey began formulating the 101s several years ago after several encounters with audiences who objected when she spoke against the use of corporal punishment. “Many would insist that they were spanked and ‘turned out all right,’” she recalls. “I used to leave speeches feeling that I made people uncomfortable instead of convincing them that spanking was unnecessary and counterproductive.” To counter that, one of her students suggested that Kersey include alternatives to spanking in her speeches. Kersey introduced 30 original principles to provide specific positive discipline choices which teachers and parents could use to guide a child’s behavior. As the 101s took shape, Kersey challenged her students to contribute additional techniques that have been successfully implemented in both the classroom and home environment. The 101s have since become a staple in the early childhood and PreK-6 curriculum.
She emphasizes that the 101s do not encourage permissiveness. Rather, they include many basic principles that give guidelines, encourage parents to be consistent, listen to the child, form a connection with the child and help the child realize that behavior has consequences. They work best when parents, teachers and caregivers have laid a foundation of trust, kindness and respect. Kersey says that while all 101s may not “feel right” for any one person, she believes that most people can effectively and comfortably use at least 50 of the techniques to enhance discipline.
When/Then – Abuse It/Lose It Principle
– “When you have finished your homework, then you may watch TV.” Kersey notes that this technique
teaches children to be responsible, obedient and accountable.
Incompatible Alternative Principle – Give the child something to do that he can’t do while misbehaving. “Help me pick out six oranges” instead of running around the grocery store. It is a good idea to offer two positive alternatives that are incompatible with the inappropriate behavior: “Would you like to choose the cereal or select the apples?”
Choice Principle – Give the child two choices, both of which are positive and acceptable to you. “When a child does something you don’t want him to do or doesn’t want to do what you have requested, give him a choice,” Kersey explains. “If your child balks outside the barbershop, you say, ‘You may either hold my hand or walk in now on your own.’ Then – ‘You choose, or I’ll choose’ is the next choice if he is still reluctant. Usually, he’ll choose, but if not, quickly take his hand and hurry into the barbershop talking about the interesting barber chairs that roll up and down or the park you are going to visit later.”
Make a Big Deal Principle – Make a big deal over responsible, considerate, appropriate behavior with attention, thanks, praise, thumbs-up, recognition, hugs and special privileges. “That’s something we forget to do,” Kersey notes. “Children want our eyeballs more than anything else, so we have to train ourselves to look for the good behavior and look away when it is inappropriate (as long as it is not dangerous or destructive). If it is dangerous or destructive, we have to stop it in the least reinforcing way possible – quickly before it escalates.”
Talk About Them Positively to Others – “Tell your husband ‘You should have seen Johnny at the barbershop. He sat up so tall and answered the barber’s questions.’ Johnny’s gotten an earful of good things.”
Modeling Principle – Model the behaviors you want. Show the child, by example, how to behave.
Take a Break Principle – Tell the child to “take a break” and think about what he could do differently that would work better or be more constructive. Tell him that he can come back as soon as he is ready to try again. Put the ball in his court – and make him responsible for changing his behavior.
Privacy Principle – Never embarrass a child in front of others. Always move to a private place to talk when there is a problem.
Positive Closure Principle – At the end of the day, remind your child that he is special and loved. Help him look for something good about the day that is finished and the day that lies ahead.
Talk With Them, Not to Them Principle – Focus on two-way communication rather than preaching to children. Listen as well as talk.
Pay Attention Principle – Keep your eyes and mind on what is happening. Don’t wait until the child is out of control to step in. Remove the child from the situation if necessary. Stay calm and emotionally detached. Let him know what his options are. Be firm but not mean.
Use Actions Instead of Words – Don’t say anything. When the child continues to get out of bed and comes to the living room, take him back to bed – as many times as it takes. Don’t get upset, talk, scold, threaten or give reasons. Stay calm. Your child will learn that nighttime is for sleeping and that you are serious about enforcing bedtime.
Whisper Principle – Instead of yelling, screaming or talking in a loud voice, surprise the child by lowering your voice to a whisper. This often evokes immediate attention and helps you stay in control and think more clearly. “It’s our reactions to children’s actions that teach them whether or not to repeat them,” Kersey adds. “They’ll get your attention whichever way they can get it. Children repeat the behavior that works.”
Get on Child’s Eye Level Principle – When talking with the child, get down on his/her eye level and look him in the eye while talking softly to him.
Incompatible Alternative Principle – Give the child something to do that he can’t do while misbehaving. “Help me pick out six oranges” instead of running around the grocery store. It is a good idea to offer two positive alternatives that are incompatible with the inappropriate behavior: “Would you like to choose the cereal or select the apples?”
Choice Principle – Give the child two choices, both of which are positive and acceptable to you. “When a child does something you don’t want him to do or doesn’t want to do what you have requested, give him a choice,” Kersey explains. “If your child balks outside the barbershop, you say, ‘You may either hold my hand or walk in now on your own.’ Then – ‘You choose, or I’ll choose’ is the next choice if he is still reluctant. Usually, he’ll choose, but if not, quickly take his hand and hurry into the barbershop talking about the interesting barber chairs that roll up and down or the park you are going to visit later.”
Make a Big Deal Principle – Make a big deal over responsible, considerate, appropriate behavior with attention, thanks, praise, thumbs-up, recognition, hugs and special privileges. “That’s something we forget to do,” Kersey notes. “Children want our eyeballs more than anything else, so we have to train ourselves to look for the good behavior and look away when it is inappropriate (as long as it is not dangerous or destructive). If it is dangerous or destructive, we have to stop it in the least reinforcing way possible – quickly before it escalates.”
Talk About Them Positively to Others – “Tell your husband ‘You should have seen Johnny at the barbershop. He sat up so tall and answered the barber’s questions.’ Johnny’s gotten an earful of good things.”
Modeling Principle – Model the behaviors you want. Show the child, by example, how to behave.
Take a Break Principle – Tell the child to “take a break” and think about what he could do differently that would work better or be more constructive. Tell him that he can come back as soon as he is ready to try again. Put the ball in his court – and make him responsible for changing his behavior.
Privacy Principle – Never embarrass a child in front of others. Always move to a private place to talk when there is a problem.
Positive Closure Principle – At the end of the day, remind your child that he is special and loved. Help him look for something good about the day that is finished and the day that lies ahead.
Talk With Them, Not to Them Principle – Focus on two-way communication rather than preaching to children. Listen as well as talk.
Pay Attention Principle – Keep your eyes and mind on what is happening. Don’t wait until the child is out of control to step in. Remove the child from the situation if necessary. Stay calm and emotionally detached. Let him know what his options are. Be firm but not mean.
Use Actions Instead of Words – Don’t say anything. When the child continues to get out of bed and comes to the living room, take him back to bed – as many times as it takes. Don’t get upset, talk, scold, threaten or give reasons. Stay calm. Your child will learn that nighttime is for sleeping and that you are serious about enforcing bedtime.
Whisper Principle – Instead of yelling, screaming or talking in a loud voice, surprise the child by lowering your voice to a whisper. This often evokes immediate attention and helps you stay in control and think more clearly. “It’s our reactions to children’s actions that teach them whether or not to repeat them,” Kersey adds. “They’ll get your attention whichever way they can get it. Children repeat the behavior that works.”
Get on Child’s Eye Level Principle – When talking with the child, get down on his/her eye level and look him in the eye while talking softly to him.
Choosing Discipline Techniques
The discipline
techniques you choose may depend on the type of inappropriate behavior your
child displays, your child's age, your child's temperament, and your parenting
style. The following techniques are recommended by the American Academy of
Pediatrics, the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, and
the National Mental Health Association:
Reward good
behavior
Acknowledging
good behavior is the best way to encourage your child to continue it. In other
words, "Catch him being good." Compliment your child when he or she
shows the behavior you've been seeking.
Natural
consequences
Your child does
something wrong, and you let the child experience the result of that behavior.
There's no need for you to "lecture." The child can't blame you for
what happened. For example, if a child deliberately breaks a toy, he or she no
longer has that toy to play with.
Natural
consequences can work well when children don't seem to "hear" your
warnings about the potential outcome of their behavior. Be sure, however, that
any consequence they might experience isn't dangerous.
Logical
consequences
This technique
is similar to natural consequences but involves describing to your child what
the consequences will be for unacceptable behavior. The consequence is directly
linked to the behavior. For example, you tell your child that if he doesn't
pick up his toys, then those toys will be removed for a week.
Taking away
privileges
Sometimes there
isn't a logical or natural consequence for a bad behavior -- or you don't have
time to think it through. In this case, the consequence for unacceptable
behavior may be taking away a privilege. For example, if a middle schooler
doesn't complete her homework on time, you may choose to take away television
privileges for the evening. This discipline technique works best if the
privilege is:
- Related in some way to the behavior
- Something the child values
- Taken away as soon as possible after the inappropriate behavior (especially for young children)
Time outs
Time outs work
if you know exactly what the child did wrong or if you need a break from the
child's behavior. Be sure you have a time-out location established ahead of
time. It should be a quiet, boring place -- probably not the bedroom (where the
child can play) or a dangerous place like a bathroom. This discipline technique
can work with children when the child is old enough to understand the purpose
of a time out -- usually around age 2 and older, with about a minute of time
out for each year of age. Time outs often work best with younger kids for whom
the separation from the parent is truly seen as a deprivation.
Now I myself don’t like hitting shouting screaming or
timeout
.
Time-out is the most popular
discipline technique used by parents and the one most often recommended by
pediatricians and child development experts. But is it good for kids? Is it effective?
Not according to the implications of the latest research on relationships and
the developing brain
Studies in neuroplasticity—the brain’s adaptability—have proved that
repeated experiences actually change the
physical structure of the brain. Since
discipline-related interactions between children and caregivers comprise a
large amount of childhood experiences, it becomes vital that parents
thoughtfully consider how they respond when kids misbehave. Discipline is about
teaching – not about punishment – and finding ways to teach children
appropriate behavior is essential for healthy development.
The problem is, children have a profound need for connection. Decades of
research in attachment demonstrate that particularly in times of distress, we
need to be near and be soothed by the people who care for us. But when children
lose emotional control, parents often put them in their room or by themselves
in the “naughty chair,” meaning that in this moment of emotional distress they
have to suffer alone.
On top of everything, time-outs are usually ineffective in accomplishing
the goals of discipline: to change behavior and build skills. Parents may think
that time-outs cause children to calm down and reflect on their behavior. But
instead, time-outs frequently make children angrier and more deregulated,
leaving them even less able to control themselves or think about what they’ve
done, and more focused on how mean their parents are to have punished them.
When children concentrate on their horrible luck to have such a mean,
unfair mom or dad, they miss out on an opportunity to build insight, empathy,
and problem-solving skills. Putting them in time-out deprives them of an
opportunity to build skills that other types of discipline could focus on.
Setting clear limits while emphasizing collaboration, conversation, and respect
gives kids a chance to practice being active, empathic decision makers who are
empowered to figure things out on their own.
So as you can see there are danger in how we deal with kids to get the best
out of them .
